Yama Schwama

A funny thing is happening on the way to enlightenment.  My ego is getting in the way.  My want for new shoes and fall clothes has reached epic proportions. Normally I’m quite content being frugal in all sorts of way. I hate to waste things. I’m all about making the kids’ clothes and re-purposing my old clothes into new and useful things. I enjoy using things around the house as supplies for art projects with my son (cereal boxes, plastic milk tops, paper scraps, you name it). We compost. We garden. We religiously shop at the Farmers’ Market and have for years. We ride our bikes a lot. We buy in bulk. We use the library. We make our own yogurt and bread. We make all of our meals from scratch We’re a very frugal and environmentally conscientious family.

But…with the state furloughs and now a major fuck-up with M’s paycheck this month, our frugalness will need to be intensified. And this makes me want to shop. Yama’s be damned. I simply don’t want to care. I want to take out my credit card and go shopping.

I know it’s not about the things. It’s about me wanting to rebel against a lack of options. I spent the first 18 years of my life more or less getting what I wanted (with the help of after-school jobs; I was not spoiled). The following 5-6 years were spent acting like I was owed and entitled to what I wanted which got me in some trouble. I eventually paid up and have been very good ever since. But sometimes, those old urges come back with a vengeance and I choose to stew in my suffering for a while. This too shall pass…but maybe…in the meantime…just one pair of shoes?

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4 thoughts on “Yama Schwama

  1. this is so priceless, amanda. i’m totally with you. we’ve been doing “the compact” since jan and there are moments of utter torture from just knowing that i can’t buy something new. i’ve actually had the thought before that “life would be better… i would be a better person if i could just have this pair of shoes/pants/underwear.” ug…the holes we try to fill with shopping…

  2. even with all of my desire to unload, shed. lighten up, there are those days when life it seems could be a little brighter with a new pair of shoes–you are not alone in your desires or your resistence.

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